I've felt pain quite like this before. And that's not to say that I haven't gone through a break up. Or that I haven't had some sort of heartbreak. But to know that it was caused by your own demons and a coping mechanism gone wrong...That's what sucks. To know you unintentionally caused the person you care about the most so much pain that they don't want to be with you anymore. And then wanting to fix it. The lack of control someone has in a breakup- that's what sucks the most. Knowing that you would do anything to restore to factory settings, but there's another person involved, and nothing is ever that easy.
I didn't realize how bad it had gotten this time. How far down the hole I had slipped. I thought I was handling it. And, for the most part, I was. But then I started to fight with him. And suddenly, the person who had managed to talk me off the ledge was the ledge. And eventually, I jumped. And I broke him.
I broke him in the worst way possible. I broke him to the point that I couldn't heal him. And I want to. I want to be the one to fix him so much. But I can't. And I'm terrified that it'll be some other girl, at some other time who gets that privilege. And I don't want that. Because when we were good, we were great. We fit together so naturally. Things made sense, talking was easy, our relationship was the most simple thing in my life. I felt home with him. And then I set the house on fire and cried about the mess I made.
I guess I'm more like my past than I'd like to admit. I tried to manipulate what cannot be manipulated. And that's not who I want to be. The battle between who I want to be and the demon of my biological makeup is the worst one I've ever faced. And I let my guard down long enough for the demon to break free and destroy who I wanted to be. It's an ugly thing when your demons win. It's even uglier when you know they're there, and you give into their vices long enough to lose the battle to them.
And I'm sorry.
I cannot say enough how sorry I am. But I will fight to find myself and who I want to be again. I just hope that one day, you'll still want her.
